Consent is Mandatory: Understanding Boundaries in Sex and BDSM

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The Consent Conversation

We've all heard that "Consent is Sexy." What I like to emphasize is "Consent is Mandatory." As a woman, I have been put into too many scenarios where a partner, typically new, oversteps my boundaries during sex because they didn't ask me if what they wanted to do was okay.

Such actions make me wonder how often this occurs. How widespread is this? Conversations with others prove this is a continued problem. If a new partner transgresses during regular sex, how could I ever trust them in a BDSM relationship?

I couldn't. 

In this post, I'm delving into the complexity of consent through its many forms. I hope to enlighten those unfamiliar with consent's changing nature, empower those to speak up when these lines are crossed, and discuss the framework of consent in BDSM.

What Is Consent, Really?

Consent, as defined by the Oxford Dictionary, is "permission for something to happen or agreement to do something."^[1] Seems straightforward enough, right?

And yet, consent is one of the most misunderstood concepts in sex, relationships, and BDSM. Consent is fluid; once given, it can always be revoked. Whether that is respected or not...typically not as clear-cut. 

“The first step of consent is tuning into your own desire, being able to feel a distinct yes or no in your system.”

Someone could be uncomfortable, feeling unanticipated pain, or not wanting to continue. Those who carry on against their partner's wishes lack empathy, are selfish, and a consensual sexual interaction flips like a switch to sexual assault. These events are severe and can cause lasting trauma to the victim.

Now, there are two other consent definitions I'd like to go over:

Affirmative Consent means giving explicit, informed, and voluntary permission to participate. In other words, a clear “yes.”^[2]

Enthusiastic Consent is when everyone participating is super excited about the events to take place.^[3]

Simply put, Affirmative Consent is a "yes," and Enthusiastic Consent is a "Hell Yes!" Enthusiastic Consent is what we want to hear. We want our partners to wholeheartedly agree to sex, kink, or anything that involves intimate actions between people. 

The Grey Areas: How Consent Gets Misconstrued

Alcohol and Altered States

Drinking and partying is all good fun, but the lines of consent can blur quickly when people are drunk or high. According to the University of Tulsa, the responsibility of obtaining consent falls on "the person initiating the sexual act,"^[4] no matter the level of intoxication of self or other.

Now, there is debate regarding whether or not someone who has been drinking can fully consent to sex. And if both people are drinking, it all cancels out, right? It isn't that clear-cut, but people can drink and still consent. 

The issue arises when sexual activity is initiated when one or both partners are seriously intoxicated, signs of which are blacking out, being unable to walk, getting sick, and throwing up. At that point, you become incapacitated. Your agency lessens in these states, making it easy for another to take advantage of.

I'm not saying not to go out and have a good time, but I will emphasize being around people you trust and not drinking to the point of blacking out if you can help it.

Implied Consent

The culture of long-term relationships and, more specifically, marriage, has held that at a certain point, consent is gone.^[5] "Why ask? We've been dating for four years at this point," or, "We've been married for seven years, why would I need to ask to have sex with my wife?"

These implications lead to a range of issues where people, time and time again, feel pressured to have sex. On the surface, affirmative consent may disguise pressured consent, where one feels obliged to partake.

Implied consent can further devolve into abuse, where if the partner does deny consent, they are emotionally manipulated into saying yes or even physically harmed until compliance.

“It's really important to think about how acceptable or not acceptable it is to say a direct 'no' in our culture, even in non-sexual situations.”

Sadly, "more than 80% of adolescent and adult sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone the victim knows, most frequently within a romantic or sexual relationship."^[6] Should you ever find yourself in a situation like this, there are resources available for you. 

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
• How To Create a Safety Plan
• Safety For Undocumented Victims of Abuse

Consent in BDSM: A Non-Negotiable Framework

How BDSM Became De-Stigmatized

From the 1970s and before, BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Submission, Masochism)^[7] was viewed as extreme, violent, and cruel sexual practices. People who partook in BDSM were viewed as indecent and criminalized. At the time, it was the gay leather community that took the biggest hit.

As time passed and the LGBTQ+ movement grew, a greater conversation around BDSM transpired. The rise of consumer culture surrounding adult toys and fetish fashion would further de-stigmatize BDSM, but the main point made by anyone within these discussions would be consent.^[8]

“It's consent and context that distinguish fondness from filth.”

Yes, it is wrong to hit another person—without consent. BDSM doesn't equal assault. For instance, I like being spanked, and if I've given my consent to my partner and they want to spank me, everyone has a good time, and I walk away with a bruised booty!

Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC)

According to Grey Insight, SSC principles are "designed to ensure that all participants in kink activities are fully informed, competent to consent, and agree to the activities without coercion or harm."^[9]

• Safe - Precautions are taken to minimize risk, such as partners being aware of what is going to happen in a scene or, for example, having safety scissors nearby during bondage in case of circulation issues.
• Sane - The mental and physical wellbeing of the participants. Everyone should be of sound mind, aware of what they consent to, and physically capable of participating in such activities. 
• Consensual - Everyone is in total agreeance of the kink activities that will take place without coercion or manipulation. Enthusiastic Consent is key. Nothing less should be accepted.

Regarding altered states, any BDSM activity should take place while all participants are sober. This ensures the utmost safety of everyone involved.

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)

RACK is similar; it emphasizes the risk awareness of all participants in kink. Everyone involved should be aware of the physical risks, such as accidents in the middle of a scene.

Conversations about the emotional risks of BDSM play should transpire. Many kinks evolve as a trauma response, so it's common for these emotions to come through in the middle of playing. It can manifest in many ways, and the critical part is to be aware that it can happen and feel safe to stop if need be.

Then there are the social risks, such as what would happen if family or friends found out that you are into BDSM and what those consequences might look like. Not everyone is as accepting as we would like them to be, and I know many who live a BDSM lifestyle in career and leisure that will always need to keep it a secret from their families.^[10]

Before, During, and After: The Three Phases of Communication

Before

Communication, honesty, and listening are key when kink is involved. Before engaging in any BDSM scene, there needs to be a thorough discussion of wants and desires, as well as boundaries that consist of soft and hard limits.

Clear boundaries prevent misunderstandings and help build trust.

Limits and Boundaries

• Soft limits include activities you might have engaged in before and are not entirely sure about, activities you may be interested in later on, or when certain conditions are met. For example, I enjoy humiliation, but not in public settings. That would be considered a soft limit because I want it, but only under the condition that it is done in private.
• Hard limits are activities you've tried that you didn't like or don't need to try to know you're not into it.^[11] Hard limits could involve activities like choking, hair pulling, biting, etc. Anything can be a hard limit, and those conversations must be had so these boundaries aren't crossed.

Safe Words

We love safe words! Before any BDSM scene, safe words need to be negotiated and decided upon. Commonly used safe words include "Green" for Go, "Yellow" for Slow Down, and "Red" for STOP. Responsibility lies with the Dominant party to listen for these safewords and immediately oblige. 

Safe words can be anything. Typically, you want it to be something you wouldn't usually say during sex/BDSM, so don't choose a word like "Harder!" 😂

I've heard "Umbrella," "Double banana," and many more silly or irreverent words used as safe words. Choose whatever works for you, is easily recognizable, and won't be construed as words regularly said during play.

Nonverbal cues should be discussed when the submissive won't be able to say anything during play, such as being gagged. A visible body movement should be decided upon as a safe word, like throwing a piece sign. In any case, make sure there is a definitive method of communication in case you or your partner need to stop.

The BDSM Contract

BDSM Contracts are a more serious negotiation, typically before delving into true lifestyle kink. What I want to emphasize about BDSM contracts is this: they are symbolic, not legally binding.

Any sexual act that is not consented to is a crime.

If a contract is signed and all parties are continually happy with the arrangement, then by all means, continue. However, if a party becomes unhappy in the contract, it can either be re-negotiated or discontinued. An abusive situation could arise where one party wants out and the other wants them in, despite what they do (or do not) say. 

Never feel obligated to continue in such contracts, even though the weight of physically signing your name feels heavy upon your heart. I've been there. I burned the contract when the situation became abusive. Always reclaim your agency; it is never to be taken away.

During

Communication during BDSM scenes is paramount to enjoying yourself, having a good time, and staying safe. Submissives should feel comfortable saying a safe word if they need to; Dominants should be listening. The Dominant should then stop and check-in with their sub to ensure they're okay.

This check-in could be as minor as pausing to stack pillows under the sub's head because the current position is straining their neck. It could also be more serious—a trauma response has occurred, and a full stop is necessary, or a new activity being tested is not being enjoyed as intended.

“We negotiate with our bodies as well as with our words.”

Dominants take on a lot of responsibility with their position. It might seem counter-intuitive, but they become caretakers as the person with all the control. A good, caring Dominant will not only listen and respond instantly to safe words, but they should be able to read body language. 

Some subs are too stubborn to say anything (e.g., brats) and push themselves too far. A Dominant who is aware of their subs' boundaries and how much they can take should recognize this, slow down, or stop.

For example, if breath play goes too far and the sub passes out, the Dominant should immediately stop (unless passing out is consented to and part of the play).

Like I said, it's a lot of responsibility. A person willingly puts the well-being of their mind and body in the hands of another. Trust and communication are paramount. BDSM can be a powerful way to release emotions, but anything so powerful must be respected.

After

An essential part of the BDSM experience is Aftercare. The Dominant's role extends to after the scene ends, and they should be there to comfort the sub and gradually bring them back into a measured headspace.

Subspace could've been entered, which is a "pleasurable altered headspace that the submissive partner experiences during a BDSM scene."^[12] Typically, subspace is the ultimate goal; it's dreamlike, spacey, and can be an out-of-body experience.

Symptoms can range from dizziness and disorientation to physical weakness or injury, depending on the intensity of the play. Any bruises or cuts need to be tended to, water or Gatorade should be on standby to replace electrolytes that were sweat out, and the most common aftercare is cuddling, eating, talking, laughing, and sleeping.^[13]

Aftercare aids emotional processing and prevents trauma from occurring to the submissive. Being beaten and then left alone could cause serious harm; the submissive may devalue themselves, feel unworthy of care, and the benefits of BDSM quickly evaporate. Always partake in aftercare; it is a joyous experience.

These moments are also opportunities to give feedback on the scene: what worked, what didn't work, and what you may want to alter for the next time. Talk about what toys you liked, what actions turned you on, or things that were said that maybe you weren't that into. 

This feedback can carry on long past the scene. Your future scenes can become more powerful and potent via feedback, so don't skip it.

Resources and Reading

Ultimately, this has been a brief overview of consent in BDSM. The nuances run deep, and so many resources are available if you want to learn more. I've gathered some for you from me and my partner's libraries.

Books

1. Learning Good Consent: On Healthy Relationships and Survivor Support by Cindy Crabb, details how to navigate sex, consent, abuse, and support within relationships.
2. Best Sex Writing of the Year: On Consent, BDSM, Porn, Race, Sex Work and More by Multiple Authors is a collection of stories on a range of adult topics, helping others to see different points of view on sexuality and lifestyle.
3. Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook by Michael Makai is "a must-read for anyone considering or curious about non-traditional relationships within a fetish culture context."
4. The Loving Dominant by John Warren and Libby Warren explores "the fundamentals of safe, affectionate dominance and submission."
5. SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, Second Edition by Jay Wiseman surveys the range of sadomasochistic desires for the general reader.
6. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Molly Devon and Philip Miller is the classic guide to BDSM between two consenting players.

Podcasts

1. The Loving BDSM Podcast, hosted by Kayla Lords and John Brownstone, discusses what a healthy Dom/Sub relationship looks like. It has been on air since 2015 and have a plethora of content available.
2. Call Me Mistress by Mistress Mia and Her Dommes have fun and lively conversations about Kink, BDSM, and entertaining personal stories.
3. Kinks with KeKe is a POC-perspective on BDSM and submission. Ideally, by POC for POC, to navigate the world of alternative sexual lifestyles.

Consent Culture Educators

Ev'Yan Whitney is a Sexuality Doula, writer, and educator who uses mind and body practices to invite people to heal through sensual pleasures. Author of Sensual Self: Prompts and Practices for Getting in Touch With Your Body and has a podcast by the same name.

Emily Nagoski has a Ph.D. in Health Behavior and travels the world teaching and learning about the science and art of sexual wellbeing. She has authored many books, the latest being Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections.

Sunny Megatron is "an award-winning Sexologist, Kink & BDSM Educator, Certified Sex Educator and Relationship Coach, and media personality."^[14] She has her own TV Show named Sex With Sunny Megatron and hosts a renowned podcast called The American Sex Podcast.

Final Thoughts

Remember the mantra: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Stay active, stay aware, and always advocate for yourself. BDSM is a beautiful practice that helps countless people healthily release their emotions, and consenting adults who wish to experience it should be able to do so safely.

So talk to each other, love each other, and have fun out there!

~ With Love, Beatrix Devine

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